13 Things I Can Never Fix . . .

1) A deflated balloon stuffed down inside the bathtub drain. Drano won’t budge it, there isn’t enough suction power in any wet/dry vac manufactured, forget the clothes hanger, the favorite piece of wire . . . nothing short of a plumbing miracle will remove that slippery piece of rubber.

2) Broken zippers on the favorite purse or backpack. Never fails, perfect purse for the perfect location, and then the dreaded un-zipping occurs. Or the backpack is loaded, kids in the car, dog at the ready, and three out of four zippers on the beloved backpack unravel.

3) Something too high (out of reach) when I can’t find my oh-so-tall son or my handy-dandy step stool. Why did I put that set of wine glasses, casserole dish, fondue set (filling in the blank) up there? Oh yeah, it’s because I never need them. Except, of course, now I do.

4) Brand-new ball point pens that won’t write. Isn’t there some sort of testing these things go through? Well, there should be.

5) The ‘Service Engine Soon’ light on new cars. It’s really all a twisted ploy by car manufacturers. There’s really nothing wrong with the vehicle, but that neon yellow light goes on and stays on until some certified mechanic rattles around under the hood of my car, mumbling about a lot of parts that do who-knows-what and how much it’s going to cost. Eventually, the lights reset until the next mileage trigger goes off, and I’m back at the dealership again.

6) Wiring a DVD through a VCR through a Satellite Box into a Picture In Picture TV. I knew I should have added an engineering minor to my college degree. I just didn’t know I would need it to turn on my TV.

7) A wobbly ceiling fan. Forget that penny trick on top of one of the blades to balance it. By the time I finally figure out which blade the penny needs to be on . . . well, I need a chiropractor to realign my back and shoulders. And the first time, I vacuum (yes, I do vacuum my ceiling fans. If you could see all the Texas dust that settles there, you’d understand why.) But the first time I vacuum the ceiling fan, I suck that penny right off. Then the wobbling starts all over again. I finally attached a string puppet and told the kids to watch that instead of the mis-wired TV.

8) That electrical surge my cell phone sends through my computer. (okay, ever read Stephen King’s book, The Cell, where everyone who was using a cell phone at a certain moment had their brain scrambled? Think it can’t happen? Put your cell next to your computer and leave it. When you get those unexplained squiggly lines across your computer screen, that’s when the master cell mind is downloading updates into your phone. Maybe scrambled brains isn’t such a stretch after all, Mr. King.

9) My not so newly planted mums. Mums are supposed to be hardy flowers, capable of withstanding the great perils of Texas climate. Mine, however, need to move to another state, because they ‘ain’t’ looking so good here in the Lone Star State. I’ve water, fed, even replanted and still no blooms. Lots of green on the bush, but nary a bud to be found. Do they make flowerless mums? Or is this some special talent I alone possess?

10) The one strand of Christmas lights that fails on Christmas Eve, right before all the pictures are about to be taken. I’ve even tried buying all new strands for the tree one year. Didn’t help. I still lost a strand.

11) No money . . . well, it’s not exactly no money, but more like the actual checking account. I mean, do I care where a missing penny or two goes? Oh wait, I put it on the ceiling fan for balance. And I saw how well that worked out.

12) My kids losing their clothes and it somehow being my fault. All right, it’s not like my kids (teenagers) are stripping in the street, so losing clothes should be tough, right? Apparently not. I am the laundry queen, I’ll admit it. I wash, dry, fold, and leave the clothes for my teen’s own personal escort service back to the appropriate closet, drawer, or middle of the floor. Yet, somehow on that perilous voyage across the house, clothes develop a mind of their own and leave the building. A little Elvis must be in my house, and maybe he’s wearing my kids’ clothes, because no one else can seem to find the treasured T-shirt, favorite-oh-my-God-I’ll-die-if-I-don’t-find-those-jeans, the game-winning soccer socks, or the ridiculously expensive new jacket . . . point made I’m sure.

13) The perfect biscuit. I like to cook . . . yeah, I honestly enjoy it. One of my family’s favorites is homemade biscuits. I’ve been making them for years, and wearing them around my hips for equally that long. After all this time, and thousands of biscuits, it only seems fair that I should produce the perfect biscuit every time. Not so, fellow cooks of the world. One out of ten times, I manage the perfect color, consistency and taste for a pan of biscuits. Oh, don’t think my family complains about the other 9 not so perfect breakfast treats. Far from it. They’re always eager to scarf down my less than stellar attempts. But it’s the principal of it. Somewhere along the line, experience really should be all that’s necessary. Now, if I can just find that line, then perfection will be in my grasp and I truly can fix everything.

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